I don't know ... seems like you could have drawn at least some of this out ... just so we have a visual of what you're trying to do. Even rough sketches would have been better than all text.

don't care for the font.

I think you're headed in the right direction. Insetad of saying "we establish" something, maybe describe what action is happening that establishes a particular plot point. We don't know how the character feels, we only know what he's doing. So what's he doing to establish relationships, etc? I love the gun wound getting sucked back into his head. I'd love to see that! You deserve a higher rating!