SHE ATE MY TALENT!

"She ate my talent!” protested Joe Perseus, agent for the three backup dancers used for Medusa’s performance. "Is there no limit to what this show will do to get ratings?" Athena Smith, Chairwoman of the Stage Dancers Organization confirmed yesterday that the consumption of dancers is completely forbidden according to the agreement made with EyeDoll producers this year. "We were very adamant regarding the inclusion of this clause, and it is very sad to see it so flagrantly broken". The diva herself does not understand what the uproar is about, "I didn't know they were dancers. Medusas don't even eat dancers. They looked like plankton to me. If they knew how to dance, I wouldn't have gotten confused." Medusa’s explanation failed to console Perseus, "I don't know how that monster looks at herself in the mirror…she's simply lost her head!"

After Matisyahu's incredible success worldwide, it was only a matter of time before the wannabes showed up. Enter the Matzo Balls, straight outta Brooklyn, with their hip hop hit, “W.I.M.P.”. Many believe this black clad pair is simply not “keepin’ it real”. The Jewish community in Brooklyn renounces them and claims they are the invention of an anti-Semitic entertainment group. A prestigious Rabbi of the community, who preferred to remain unidentified, spoke out against them, “What have we come to? Maybe someone will come up with a group called 'The Gefilte Fish Girls' that'll sing Destiny's Child songs?" After further research it turns out the two singers are actually Americans of Polish descent from Williamsburg, trying to make their Jewish, um, American dreams come true. One of the two, who requested anonymity, explained their marketing strategy, "How much chicken soup can a man ingest in one day? My brother and I always had fun doing impersonations for Jews and EyeDoll looked like the best place to demonstrate my skills. Since I grew payos (literally Hebrew for sidelocks), I look taller and am constantly receiving proposals from women, their mothers and matchmakers."
 
 
 
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"It's true", Frank declared to the crowds of reporters waiting for him outside the EyeDoll studios. "I used to be ashamed of myself. I didn't leave the house…I didn't speak to people…I had a small organ that just didn’t belong. Without it I feel complete. Who needs the appendix, anyway?"

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